An Open Letter to Elon Musk: Die, Elon Musk

The future of our democracy depends on it

The following is an absolutely 100% serious open letter addressed to the billionaire known as Elon Musk. To summarize: Die, Elon Musk.

Dear Elon Musk,

We are in the midst of a deadly war between good and evil, a deadly war for the heart and soul of mankind, taking place over the Internet. These battles are conducted not with bullets but with something far more sinister: pernicious tweets, appallingly addressing the current issues of the day, unleashed upon the public without regard for human life. As Columbia professor of comparative ethnological fat studies Mbugo Lisanne-Cerezio Roberto-Klein IV recently so trenchantly observed, tweets are the moral equivalent of free machine gun fire, of mustard gas released in subway stations, of cluster bombs dropped on schools—only amplifying the violence of everyday life under the genocidal systemic depredations of late capitalism.

Silence is complicity. We must remain silent no longer.

If not for a relentless campaign of far-right-wing disinformation from such fascist venues as local news channels, Fox News, TikTok, and Youtube, the public would wholeheartedly embrace the suppression of its wrong-headed views, knowing as is true that the experts are always right, and have not become completely deranged as is sometimes today falsely alleged. The Murdochs and Koch Brothers however have long had different plans. And these were brought to new, unspeakably low depths by the newest member joining their ranks in the effort to propagate center-right beliefs—I mean far-right-wing disinformation—by one despicable, detestable man: Elon Musk.

He stole our Blue Checks and gave them to the poor people who are less than us; inexplicably, horrifyingly, such people presume to express their views without having received so much as a Master’s degree in journalism; such unethical behavior that should have long ago been criminalized, Elon Musk brazenly encourages. Next, he fired all of Twitter's white women and replaced them with mostly South and East Asian men who despicably believe in the value of hard work and meritocracy--a clear sign of their being steeped in white supremacy and goodophobia.

For what it is worth, I made the last word up in the shower last night, a lengthy exegesis of which I will be publishing in Anthropology Quarterly next month in a bid for tenure, so that I can purchase a new home in a wealthy gated community. Such new living conditions will help me to prepare better lectures on the works of Vladimir Lenin and Mao Zedong and the need for violent revolution to overthrow capitalism. Best of all, our community is heavily fortified so as to survive the total destruction of civilization that I, an intellectual, will be at the glorious vanguard of. hair flip. Wait, no, Roberto, please delete that paragraph. No, Roberto, I was just fantasizing to myself out loud. No, god damn it, just delete it.

Worst of all, Elon Musk reversed the great work of Vijaya in preventing 80% of the world's speech (which is stupid) from being heard.

But Mr. Musk is not content to make Twitter no longer the sterilized--I mean safe--playground of deracinated--I mean cosmopolitan--elites who no longer believe in the common good--I mean who are enlightened beings living behind gates and therefore beyond considering anything that concerns the “lives” of the repulsive hoi polloi.

Indeed, Elon Musk has the ghoulish temerity to write tweets expressing his retrograde and oppressive views advocating for what Nazis like him call “free speech, an open society, and a thriving civilization”. He writes these tweets while contemptibly sitting in bed in his white underwear. Yes, his underwear is WHITE. Unforgivably, he crassly refuses to wear BLACK or BROWN underwear.

With every Elon Musk utterance on this platform, embodying as it does a pure form of violence exceeding genocide, on the world Elon Musk inflicts another Hiroshima and Nagasaki ten times over. Unacceptably, he comments on issues of great relevance to the future of Western civilization, which *WE ELITES*--I mean democracy--should be in charge of. Mr. Musk has no regard for the experts, uniformly left-wing and appropriately so—whose tweets are sanctimonious, unreadable, and alienating to those who do not hate their lives. This churlish disregard for expertise is morally wrong, as it deprives Mr. Musk of the self-righteous self-loathing that, as every highly educated person knows, is necessary to being a Very Good Boy—god damn it, I mean being a professionally appropriate member of the establishment elite.

How dare Mr. Musk exercise his odious, outdated, white supremacist right to "free expression" when so much is at stake? Mr. Musk, don't you enjoy Ethiopian food? You don't like sour bread that tastes like spoiled milk? What about falafel? If you fuck this up, we will run out of tikka masala by lunchtime. Are you really willing to give that up, you fucking racist?

This incomprehensible recalcitrance to participate by being a Very Good Boy—god damn it, I mean a proper member of the establishment elite—can be explained only racism, sexism, homophobia, antisemitism, transphobia, and fascism. For these explain everything that makes me feel uncomfortable—god fucking damn it, I mean these help us to resolve the dialectical tensions inherent in capitalist oppression.

It is clear what we must do. Elon Musk must be arrested, charged, tried, and publicly executed. Oh, and he must be convicted--I forgot convicted, he must be convicted. And convicted very severely.

Democracy will not survive so long as Elon Musk does.

Long live Kamala Harris. Long live the Democratic party. Long live DEI, long live COVID, long live BLM riots and pussy hats and a permanent state of serial left-wing moral hysteria. Long live American democracy. Die Electric Truck Space Ship Man.

Sincerely,

Wokie Woke (fae/faer)

P.S. All that I have built to help others has only contributed to white supremacy. It follows that only in death will my life contribute anything of value—by being destroyed. Therefore upon publication of this open letter, I will kill myself immediately. Please arrange that an ethnic minority take my place. I hope to practice good allyship as I burn in hell. I still have so much to learn about my privilege, and I hope that an eternity in hell will provide me with a valuable personal development opportunity and ample possibilities for further career progression.